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Back to square one.
And i dont really care at the moment.
Leaving it behind


Docto i know your gonna read this and say something to
me about it cuz you always have some kind of opinion
and when you do remember this..
"If you dont like my blog.. DONT read it fag!'
Haha

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Girl-friend;

1. a female partner in romantic relationship.

2. sweetheart, lover, partner, significant other

where you at?

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I learned the best type of reassurance is
no affection at all.

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Look leave me, leave me I can't fucking stand you
Wish I had the courage to say everything I planned to


-Aubrey Graham

Fathers Day

I know this is a couple days early but whatever.
Time to get a little more personal now;



Well I didnt have my father growing up. I am the middle child of three. So he left when my little sister was born around 1990. He didnt just leave us and never heard from him again.. But he left us for another family and I guess i have half-siblings that I have never met before. Every now and then he would come visit me and my brother and sister and try to take us out and buy us things. When I was about maybe 13 years old he only started coming around Christmas time and gave us all money and then he would tell us he would be back in a couple days, but he wouldnt show up.. It was like that for a couple years until he just stopped coming around.. He stopped coming around when I was about 16.

But the good thing is since he wasnt there, I still have plenty of uncles and also my grandfather around to look after me. My grandfather was basically that father-figure in my life. I grew up in a home with my older brother, little sister, mother, grandparents, and two uncles. All of them put some kind of effort to raise me into the person I am today. So for that I thank every single one of them.

So if you never had that father-figure in your life, be atleast thankful for the people that were around you when you were growing up.

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I dont know why i open my heart so easily to people. I guess its the fact that i wanna build something and then i open my heart hoping that the other person would do the same but thats not how it works nowadays. Everything has to be so complicating. Most girls nowadays believe that 'all guys are the same' because of bad past experiences so now they cant open themselves up to someone that could possibly sweep them off their feet. I mean they are in your past for a reason.

Sometimes its like what the point of you girls having a heart if your not gonna open it to anyone. Someone once asked me what makes me different from the rest. And to be honest, I couldnt say anything at all. If a girl has a negative mindset then its basically done and over with. Maybe if you stop letting your past get to you everytime a guy tries to come into your life, then maybe youll have something stable and solid.

"Open your heart and let your conscience be free" - ?

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You iritate me at times and you also annoy me at times
but that doesnt compare to the happiness
that you bring to me.

Monday.

So I'm going tomorrow to go back and talk to the recruiter again. I'm thinking i should just leave and just say fuck my birthday. Go away from everything that is wrong in my life. I'm not wanting to leave before of anything negative shit, i just wanna leave to get away. I wonder who would actually miss me if i left.. I really just wonder.

Somethings i dont understand. and i dont think i ever will.

Hm..

So ive been thinking about joining the National Guard again.. I dont consider myself as a failure or anything like that but i just feel like im almost 21 and i dont really have much to show. Alot of my friends go to UC's and are gonna be graduating from college soon and i know all of them are going to become very successful. I just dont wanna be one of those people who live at home until theyre like 30.

I want to do this for myself, but the only thing that is really holding me back is the feelings i have towards someone. I dont want to lose this person and how i feel towards them or how she may feel about me. She is someone very special to me and i care about her alot. She is someone i would like to build into something one day and hopefully she feels the same some day. I think i might just have this talk with her soon.

Update on my drinking.. its been a little more than a week, so i believe im doing pretty good. Not drinking until June 21st. Im not just doing this for someone but also for myself, and its nice to take a break from alcohol. Its funny being sober and watching how people act when theyre 'drunk' but yeah. Im gonna stick this one. I can do this.

Got a fat ass headache at the moment... hopefully goes away soon.

Once again.. no catchy lyric to end this. All good, i gotta update on my song lyrics anyways. Yee haha

Late Night Thoughts

So i really dont know what to say at the moment. I feel like i need to let out some steam or something but the words arent coming out. I'm in the dark in my room listening to music and its 230am and no one is on aim or no one worth talking to atleast.

When i listen to music i like to listen to it very carefully so i can understand the lyrics and try to see the message that they are trying to send. Many good lyricist out there at the moment. A couple of my favorites; Drake, Lil' Wayne, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Talib Kweli, Ne-Yo, just a few to name. All have different styles, and i know that most of you people have jumped on the Drake bandwagon and i can say it still gets annoying hearing some people sing his song from So Far Gone when they dont even know that he also has 2 other mixtapes out there. Yeah do your research.

Well.. life in the moment is ok.. Life could always be better. Couple good things and a couple bad things here and there. Got the family that im starting to feel comfortable around again, and my friends who are all wonderful people, and that someone special who leaves me speakless at times. I dont know what is gonna happen in these next couple of months but all i can really do is hope for the best and hope that everything comes out good. Have faith and also be positive.

"And he was just practice, he aint in your world you can take him out your atlas, girl you on fire can i be the one you match with"- Drizzy

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So i made a bet with someone saying that i wont drink for 3 weeks. This is mainly a personal thing so i really dont like it that my friends try to egg me on about not drinking. I didnt know it was the end of the world if i dont drink? I didnt know when i drink it made such a big impact on their lifes. I know it doesnt but hearing them just keep egging me on is already getting old and its only been a couple days.

We'll see how long this really goes for because i dont plan on drinking until June 21st. I may be bored sober somewhere with my friends but atleast i know im doing a good thing for myself and proving to someone that i can control my alcohol.


No catchy ending lyric tonight.

Drizzy

Learned to NEVER love a chick, just love the moment.





-Octobers Very Own